The other day I was talking with Jonnifer and she asked me what language I spoke with Hubby. I told her at the beginning of our relationship we spoke English because my french was... well, to put it mildly, nonexistent and that was the only way we could communicate. But as I became more and more fluent, at some point we made the switch to French and have never gone back to English since. Sometimes we try though, we'll tell each other we need to practice our English and begin a conversation but before we even notice it we're back to French again.
Why is this? For a long time I thought it was simply because of the fact that English is not my mother tongue, Spanish is, and since hubby doesn't feel as comfortable speaking in Spanish as I do speaking in French, we just stuck to French being that the English option would mean we'd both be speaking a foreign language.
But maybe it doesn't have to do with that at all. The more I think about it, the more obvious and logical it seems that the reason we communicate in French is because our day-to-day experiences (at work, with friends, the in-laws, etc) happen in French. Communicating them in English would just add a layer of translation to the conversation that we can easily avoid. So we do.
But is this the general rule with other expat couples?
Take our good friends N and A for example. N is French and A is Japanese. And for a very long time they lived in London. Even though N lived in Japan a few years and can probably communicate in Japanese and A speaks French fluently, they both spoke in English with each other while living in the UK. Nowadays they live in Singapore (still an English speaking country) but what if they were to move one day to Japan? or France? Would they continue to communicate in English? Or would the country's language eventually prevail over the other at some point?
I find that hard to believe. I know that my relationship with Hubby has grown and evolved since our English speaking days and now when I do speak English with him (or Spanish) it just feels weird. Like I'm not being myself with him. Because being myself is being the French-speaking Fned.
But what if we were to move one day to an English speaking country? It would probably be easy to make the language switch vis-à-vis the outside world (work, friends, etc)... but what about when it's just us? What language will we speak when we're home alone and relating the day's events to each other over diner? Will it still be French? Will it be English?
And what if we move to a country with a language neither of us speaks? Will eventually the country's language prevail over our own for the same reason French prevails over my English/Spanish here? Because it's just easier?
Now, I know a lot of my readers are themselves either living in foreign countries or living in bi-lingual couples, or both. So I'm going to take a page out of Just Married Chilean Style's fantastic idea of Group Blogging and propose we Group Blog about this issue.
How did you and your partner choose the language you communicate in? Was it because of the country you live in? Was it because one of you can't speak the other's language (yet)? Was it because that's the way it was when you met and even though the environment (country you live in, languages you've learned since) have changed you decided to stick to the original language? or not?
C'mon! I'm curious to know about the experiences of other expat/bi-lingual couples!!!
Because I'm nosy like that.
The rules to Group Blogging are easy: Just post a Blog on your own blog about the subject (The Language that Prevails in Bi-Lingual Couples) and leave me a comment with the link to your post. I'll put it up in my own Blog and that way we can all go and read up on each other's views on the subject. What do you say?
UPDATE : Yay!! This is getting more and more fun and interesting as there will soon be posts from couples living in Chile and Ecuador in addition to France... as well as (hopefully?) from Mexico, the US, Canada, Spain and the UK (hint to all you girls out there... you know who you are... but no pressure of course. LOL).
Fned.
.
28 comments:
si, es un asunto difícil.
mi danés habla 5 idiomas, yo 2, pero sus amigos hablan más en inglés y entonces en vida social hablamos inglés, pero a solas español.
I want to participate so I will post sometime within the next couple of days and let you know!
Karla: WOW!!! CINCO idiomas!!!!! Que increible!!!
Kumichan: Fantastic!! I can't wait to read about you and your hubby's experience with bilingualism (or is it trilingualism??) :D
Fned.
Out of probably 20 Franco-Anglo couples I know who started out in English, only 3 have been able to make the switch to speaking French. I know I was never able to do it - we started out speaking English and that's what formed the basis of our "couple" and it just seemed too weird to switch over to French. So I'm always interested in hearing from bilingual (or trilingual) couples who have been able to make the switch - can't wait to read everyone's replies!!
Fned, I'm going to do this and post soon. I already did "research" by asking Phi what we speak because I'm not completely sure! Which I suppose gets to the heart of the matter.
Ksam's comment that the starting language usually doesn't change is interesting. Is it a question of the language skills of the people involved or simple habit?
Anyhoo, looking forward to the responses!
That is an interesting question although I struggled with the issue of what language to speak with the children. If we had stayed in Paris or Madrid, we would have spoken only English in the house because they would have had the exposure outside. Now that we live in an English speaking country, it's a challenge to incorporate languages. I speak 8 fluently and their dad speaks 2. I speak English to them especially when we are around other people. But when I am annoyed with them, I reprimand them in German, I cajole them in French or Spanish. Right now they are taking Mandarin so they can speak, read and write the language.
I knew a mother and daughter - her daughter was at uni in Paris, and while they spoke Russian and Ukrainian, they chose to speak only in French with each other at home. I suppose it was the cultural context. They would have no other opportunity to do so once they went back - whereas in Paris, among French speakers, it felt natural.
Husband and I are the same as you .
We started speaking in English (he is French I am English) due to my crap French. We moved from Switzerland to France still speaking French but now many, many years later we speak 95% French at home (we met in 1990). There was absolutely no decision made for this change things just evolved like this. Neither of us know how or when this happened we just went with it !
I now find myself in a situation that I think, dream, even write shopping lists in Fringlish. Although I am more comfortable writing in English I am at ease in both languages when speaking.
I think perhaps it was something to do with time if you’ve been here for ages it seems just so much more natural that you speak French, as you are immersed in that language all day: At work, TV, radio, on the RER, in shops etc . . . .I have to force myself to speak English to him and have trouble finding certain words in English (my mother tongue) as they are simply missing from my English vocabulary.
All these comments makes me think of something:
Perhahps relationships between bilingual couples are in a way like literature masterpieces. They are orignally written in one language (like the language the couple were using to communicate when they first fell in love).
Early on in the book, you have yet to meet all the characters, to feel comfortable with the setting, to get engrossed in the narrative, so there is still a small chance that switching to a translated version of the story wont alter the story itself for the reader... simply change the perspective of how he/she is reading the story.
This would apply in my case when we made the switch early on in our couple while we were still getting to know each other, so we had time to "build" our relationship in French (like Ksam says hers was built in English). Or like Pauline's example, where she and her husband moved to France and progressively swtiched to French because it was the language that was now surrounding them. Perhpas by then they knew each other well enough that the "translated version of the story was just as beautiful".
And yet, keeping with the book example, at some point you pass this opportunity. You've gotten too inmersed in the author's writting style, in the way the characters act and speak in the original language, and so trying to pull off the switch feels "weird", like the story has been "wrongly written"... like a translated version of the orignal makes it loose all of its magic.
Thanks everyone for commenting. It's so interesting to hear about the different ways expat couples deal with this issue (and to realize you're not the only ones scratching your head on this one, LOL)
Jonnifer and Kumichan: I can't wait to read your posts on this subject!
Fned.
P.S. Leilani: YOU SPEAK 8 LANGUAGES!!! My God, that is so amazing!! I would give anything just to speak a fourth one. Your children are so lucky!!!
Oooh, I'm in! I'll post sometime this week. And Leilani, you are freaking amazing.
thanks Fned and Emily...I grew up in a multicultural/multilingual environment. It's probably easier for me to grasp languages though I still have to put effort into studying the structure.
I remember reading that Japanese babies have the same capacity for sounds as any other babies (makes sense right?)
but by the time they are 6, they find it difficult to say "r".
When I studied Japanese, I realised there was no "r" in the language.
I've been around bilingual researchers and have been the subject of many a (volunteer) study. What I was told was this:
It's very important to expose children to different sounds when they are young otherwise they lose the ability to articulate it. So Japanese babies who do not grow up hearing the "r" sound might find it more difficult to pronounce it when they are older.
This is all anecdotal. I don't know how much of it is scientific.
I like your idea about couples and languages....it makes sense and is interesting.
Oh this is interesting! I will definitely post about this on my blog in the next few days and leave you a link. I'm anglophone and hubby is French and we speak in English between ourselves.
Llego aquí desde el blog de Sam... ¡Me encanta el group blogging idea por este tema! Te enviaré un vínculo al mío cuando lo haya escrito, pero ya te ofrezco un preview:
We spoke Spanish together (a non-dominant language for both of us) until I forbid it in the house because I wasn't learning French while I could still communicate in Spanish. We default to Spanish occasionally, and are slowly starting to add English phrases, but I'd still say we speak almost exclusively French (!).
Emily, Francine, Trentetroismille and Andromeda: Yay!! Can't wait to read your perspective on this subject.
And welcome to Fned's Blog!! :D
Fned.
My bad, I haven't had the time but apparently no one else has either! So Friday shall it be?
lol. What a cool topic.
We speak english, because Frenchie moved here and my french is awful. So he just had to get better in English, and now is fully bi-lingual.
Great topic Fned and interesting comments! I've been away, but will participate in the group blog when I catch my breath.
Hubby and I started in English as I had zero Spanish when we met. I think we now speak "Spanglish" mostly, a real mix up, mash up of the two. I wish we could communicate only in Spanish, but he's not a very patient man and he won't help me with my grammar so when I make a mistake he just mocks me instead of helping me out. Funny, everyone else says how great my Spanish is, but he doesn't seem quite as keen on it as others around me. I think he enjoys holding it over my head (wait, was this a relationship issues post? LOL).
I think language can become a relationship issue, especially if one person is stronger in one (or more!) languages. We have had many fights that happened because of misunderstanding of what someone said or misuse of the language. Something that has really been a barrier is the use of "Te quiero mucho". For me, that means "I love you very much" and should be reserved for ME. I certainly don't say that to casual friends or really even to my good friends, but he throws it around with a LOT of women which causes me great angst. I've asked him to differentiate then by saying "te amo" to me instead, something to make me feel like we have a special kind of love, but he just can't get out of the TQM habit.
Ok ok, I could riff about this all day, I'll save it for a blog post. Thanks for a thinkin' post Fned, fabulous as always!
OoOoooh que buen post!! le diste al clavo, este tema es algo que a todas las expats se nos ha ocurrido alguna vez y como dices, que nos hace rascar la cabeza a veces jeje. Yo hablo (o trato jo!) en Ingles con mi marido, porque el todavía se atora con su español. Y luego a mi ya se me cuatrapea todo, español e ingles!! ujule, estoy peor! Tengo que hacer un post al respecto!!!
por cierto, te deje un link con mas fotos de la boda abajo de tu comment en mi blog :)en esas no nos vemos tan gordos!
Oooh me too! Can I participate? Hope it's not too late.
My husband is Italian and I am American. We only spoke Italian when we met because I was here to learn Italian. Then it just felt weird to speak English the way you described. I felt like a phony. Now that I speak English to our son, we speak more English together and it feels more natural.
To Kumichan: No worries! Nov 7th it is!
That girl: I can totally understand the reasons you can't join us in the group blog this time but when things settle down I'd love to hear more about how you and Frenchie and the kids deal with all the languages in your household (between the two of you you must speak like 5 different languages or something! That's so amazing!!!) :D
To Cancun Canuck, Ale and Jennifer: Awesome that you're also joining in on the Group Blog! Cant wait to read about each of your own experiences!!! Rendez-vous on Nov 7th!!! :D
Fned.
Way to go Fned! Will post on 7 Nov. Lotsa food for thought here.
Fned,
Get to know your blog from Samantha.It is a very nice blog, I started reading your posts from 2007...
I blogged about the language topic:
http://www.malaysiafrance.com/2008/11/language-we-speak.html
Interesting... I don't know which language we speak 100% of the time. I think a mix of Spanish and English.
I'm a little late, but when should it be ready?
Bee ean: Can't wait for Nov 7th!! Your post is the first!! ;)
Natasha: You're right on time girl!! Group blog day is Nov 7th!! Welcome on board! :)
Fned.
Here's mine! Sorry I don't know where to link it.
http://aprettyhowtown.blogspot.com/2008/11/our-franglais-famille.html
Super interesting topic, even though I am a little jealous I can't participate. Sometimes I'm secretly sad that Michael is not Mexican.
My contribution is posted! It may differ slightly from some experiences, but its the one we experience here.
thanks for blogging on this - really interesting!
just read this. i'm going to blog about this now!
Eventhough I speak 3 languages, Simon only speaks English so ... English it is! My French does get practiced a lot ~ school, on the phone with friends, holidays, talking to my mum (who lives in the Lot) BUT I know I don't speak enough Welsh - I have to make an effort to speak a bit each day because I don't want to lose the fluency.
Post a Comment