I love how technology has come such a long way and how there are so many new inventions out there maing our lives easier, funner, better...... but for heaven's sake, can't the Japanese hurry up and invent the ONE true high-tech machine we humans really need: I'm talking of course about The Time Machine.... it'd be so good be able go back in time and correct our dumb stupid mistakes, don't you think?
Last Friday I was at the weekly Blogger's meet-up, otherwise known as Rhum-Rhum's night in honor of the evening's preferred cocktail: the Rhum-Rhum. This is something I've been doing for the past few weeks and really enjoy it. Every Friday evening bloggers living in Paris meet up in a little bar near Saint-Michel avenue and just have a great time talking and getting to know each other.
Anyway, so there I was last Friday, enjoying my drink and having a great conversation with the other bloggers at our table when suddenly the guy sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder. He wasn't part of the blogger group but was sitting with a group of French guys at the table next to us. He asked me in French what all the chocolates at our table were for. It's true that one of the girls in our group had had Halloween snacks sent to her from the US and she'd decided to bring them to Rhum-Rhum's and share (see? I told you it's fun!). The French guy seemed amused to hear this and pretty soon the inevitable question came: what was I doing in France? I told him I was married and lived and worked here. So he asked me what I did for a living and when I said I worked for a bank he told me how he was studying a master degree in Finance. We talked for a little while about the financial crisis going on, the job opportunities out there, what sector in Finance particularly interested him, etc. He seemed very focused on his goals and career and kept asking me for advice on different things (the profession in general, back office vs front office, working with securities vs cash, etc)... he seemed to have a very good idea of what he wanted to do and where he was going. He asked me if I could give him any pointers for applying for a job at the bank I work for and I gave him my best advice: write a good resume and an even better cover letter and send it to HR (I even gave him the email he should send his CV to). I was getting ready to get back to my own table and resume the fun when suddenly he asked for my name and phone number and sort of made an attempt at asking me out.
And that's when I panicked. I mean REALLY PANICKED.
See, you have to understand I have been married for three and a half years and in a stable relationship for twice that time now. I can't even remember the last time someone tried to flirt with me so openly. For the past seven years Hubby and I are usually always together when we go out (Rhum-Rhum's being one of the very few exceptions I can think of) and we don't really go to bars or discos anymore but more to restaurants and small gatherings and usually with friends of ours. I always introduce myself as Madame Fned which lets people know I'm married (in case my engagement ring and wedding band which I wear 24/7 doesn't clue them in already). And when I'm talking to strangers I can't go for two sentences before I mention Hubby either consciously or unconsciously (I remember specifically telling the French guy I was married).
So, you see... it'd been a very, very, VERY long time since I'd been in the situation I found myself in last Friday. Because, believe it or not, up until when he asked for my personal information and to see me again I didn't even consider the fact that he might be flirting with me. The conversation really had been casual as casual can be. The kind of conversation I usually have with practically anybody the moment they learn I'm a foreigner living and working in France (ok, maybe a little heavy on the Finance side but I didn't find that strange since I usually talk about similar subjects when I meet people in the sector).
And it's not about being afraid of saying no either. I have no problem with Refusals. My job relies on Refusals. "No sir, I cannot put you through to my boss right now, he's busy". "No madam, I cannot give you that information, it's confidential". "No monsieur, I cannot pencil in that appointment if you wont tell me what the object of the meeting is".
Yet, I panicked. Plain and simple. And so I gave him a phony name and a bogus number.
My kid sister, who is 11 years my junior would have handled that situation better.
I acted like the immature, scared, insecure little brat I was back when I was 14 and not like the mature, intelligent, adult woman I have become, and that pisses me off. Big time.
When I told the story to Hubby later that night he asked me why I simply didn't say "No, I'm sorry, I don't know you and I don't want to give out my personal details to a stranger". That's great advice! That's probably the exact same advice, word by word, I would have given myself if I'd been thinking straight and hadn't been caught so off guard!!!
So next Friday, if the guy is at Rhum-Rhum's again I'm going to have to be an adult and tell him I acted like a baby.
Unless the Japanese hurry up and invent that damn Time Machine already!!!
Fned.
24 comments:
You shouldn't feel bad - you clearly told him you were married, it's his fault for being a jerk and hitting on you!! But I can't tell you how many men I've met here for whom that is not a problem...
hey, I think that's neat that you gave him a fake name and phone no. You got yourself out of it and went back to your party without making him feel bad, which might have made YOU feel bad, and when he realizes what you did, it probably won't be the first time someone has done that to him!
Saying no may be more adult, but did he deserve to be treated as one???
Fned, you didn't handle it half bad. If it had been me I probably would have panicked - and given him my real name and phone number! I admire your quick thinking. It is quite irritating that so much of the time a friendly conversation with a guy has to be used as an opportunity for them to hit on you.
What kind of a moron wastes his time asking a girl out when he knows she is married [or has a hulk of a boyfriend]?!! This guy is a shame on all guyhood I tell you.
Fake name and number was good, no-name and no number would have been better :).
And next Friday, tell him your name is Jane, and you are a plumber. See if he gets the joke ;).
Awww, cute post. Doesn't it feel good to have that kind of attention sometimes? Especially when it's not overt and it takes you by surprise. Direct but nice usually works (with the nice guys), "Sorry, I'm HAPPILY married" is better than "I am married", that often doesn't deter men at all. The "happily" part sends them running. :)
You're a hot chick, don't be surprised by the attention!
Too funny! I think the fake name/number is perfectly acceptable.
Reminds of something that happened last week at work on my way out with a co-worker. We had just been talking about getting older, and all of a sudden she whispers, "That guy checked you out. Too bad he was well into his 70's." Here I was feeling all hot and sexy - got checked out by a guy, and he turns out to be my parent's age. Pffft.
Yes, I'm like to use this time machine too... Salu2
Fned,
In the US, I read of a service - a free service where girls or guys can give a fake number and the person calling that number gets a rude message...something along the lines of "Hey loser..."
I read it last year or the year before in the NYT, I think....I'm not sure..
Something similar happened to me a year ago...I was in a starbucks when this young guy - afro, t-shirt, mocha colour - you know the hip NYorkish art guy...sat down at a table next to me. After a few minutes, I was fascinated by the tablet he was using. I had never actually seen one in action.
I started asking him questions about it and he gave me the relevant information and as I was leaving, he asked me for my name and number.
I was so stunned that I gave it to him. That night when he called and left a message, "Hi, this is so and so, I just wanted to see if you were around to talk."
I texted back this message:
"Sorry I missed your call. Thanks SO much for the information about the tablet. I told my husband about it so that we can buy one for my son."
Guess what...he never called back...
So don't be so hard on yourself. In the first place, you told him you were married. And secondly, you were taken aback. We don't always think of our feet when we're astounded.
...I mean...honestly, if I want to know about a computer, I ask. If I want a date, I ask LOL...so if I didn't ask...ergo...I was only interested in the computer...HELOOOOOOO?
If you do see him and he confronts you, just say you're not comfortable giving a stranger your contact number.
Ksam: I know, I've heard more than my share of stories about the legendary Frenchman's "art de séduire" (not!)... I guess I hadn't experienced it first hand since... well, since Hubby made his move back in 2002... you can see how THAT ended! LOL
Minshap: Always the positive side with ya, n'est ce pas? hehehehe... I think you're right... the guy really did act like a jerk.
Jonnifer:I think that's what pisses me the most. I really was being friendly... and when we were speaking of possible career moves I was being serious about my opinion, views, advice, etc... argh! What a waste of time!
Animesh: Thanks Animesh. He was a jerk and I so wish I had done the "no name no number" thing instead!!! Jane the Plumber -- that made my day! Thanks!!! :D
Cancun Canuck: Thank you girl! It would have been nice if the first part hadn't happen. I mean the fact that we'd gone for 20mins speaking as peers of the sector and suddenly have him pull a thing like that at the very end... it just threw me off guard. But it's true that it's nice when you get a little "vous avez de très beaux yeux mademoiselle" on the street once in a while... Does wonders for the ego! =D
Beth: LMAO - thanks for your story, it really made me laugh!! And hey... sometimes age doesn't matter! I for one know I wouldn't mind it one bit if someone like Harrison Ford checked me out!! :-)
Aldergut: I KNOW! The Time Machine really could come in handy to the Human Race, I wish they'd hurry up and make it happen!!!. Thanks for visiting!!! :)
Leilani: oohh! Great thinking!!! I used to be wittier like that before too!! Back in my "dating years" I could come up with ways to turn a (minus) into a (plus) in those kind of situations. Then I got married and it seems I've lost all my creativity. LOL
You're right and if he is there next Friday, and the subject does come up again, I'm going to be straight about it. Thanks!
Betty: Welcome Betty (or is it Donald?) Glad you're enjoying Fned's Blog. Stop by anytime! =)
Fned.
naaaah! don't worry!! and if you see him again, don't even bother giving any explanation. You are a nice girl, that is why you feel the way you feel about the whole thing. We would be surprised of how many married women would take that chance :S sad. The good thing is you won't :D
You shouldn't be worried, the fake name is 1000 times better than giving him your real name!!! next time tell him your name is Panchita or something!!
Look at it this way, you're ready for next time!!AND...maybe next time this guy will think twice when asking for a name and number after he's been told by a woman that she's married! I think you did fine in handling it the way you did, and even better that you told hubby all about it!
Aunt S :)
That's totally happened to me (at H&M) and I seriously laughed out loud, thinking it was a joke. What is it about "I'm married to a French man who I've moved over here to be with" is so hard for some French guys to understand?
Don't be so hard on yourself about being shocked and downright confused after such a stupid request. I can't remember how I responded in my situation, but it was something like, "uh, no, that wouldn't be appropriate as I'm very happily married. See ya." I think it's actually hilarious to picture him calling the wrong number and realizing he's been had.
In our OLD France, a married woman in a bar without his Hubby,who accepted a long conversation( on his table) with a men ,making important information about work, job opportunity, email of HR ! etc etc , I'm NOT suprise ...for me ,is a "banal" : some guy tried to pick her up...NO ??
Helene
Uhhhh... men. I have that problem here. What works for me is saying "Oh, you mean this cell phone? Well, I haven't gotten my own yet and it belongs to my BOYFRIEND!" If they didn't get it before while I was prancing around nervously, they get it then. No one expects a gringa here to know what she's doing. That's to my advantage.
I think the Chile bloggers need to have a group like that!
Helene
I'm not sure I understand -you're saying that in the old France, yours? by implication - a woman having a long conversation with a man at his table about work and giving him the email address of the HR department is an invitation to a come on?
If Fned's admirer was of the "old" France...
However, by the sounds of it, he's very much in the present - that is, he's completing a finance degree at a graduate level, and more than likely surrounded by women pursuing the same degree - maybe not...I'm female in a male dominated field...
I may have interpreted your comment, and I apologise to you if I did do. But it really sounds like you're saying that he interpreted a networking conversation with another professional as a come on on her part.
What I have discovered in my line of work, I am treated in my field -finance and science - as a professional. But there are always others, no matter how profession you think you are who will take a conversation as an invitation simply because that's JUST THE WAY THEY ARE.
Agh! I don't know why so many French men seem to find the idea of married women so positively intriguing! It's annoying and you were completely caught off guard so I understand your reaction.
That long prelude to asking for a phone number is also very French. I have been caught by that too because in my American dating world it's always painfully obvious when a guy is flirting with you! French men are so subtle and patient about it. (not bashing American men--there's something very charming and innocent in their obviousness)
*lol* And yes this is how I ended up with my French husband. I had no idea he was flirting with me with all his rambling conversation. It really caught me by surprise when I realized he was interested in me.
Ale : Thank you Ale, eres ATM !! :D (I can’t give out Panchita though, that was my nickname in high-school –for obvious reasons- *lol)
Aunt S: Thanks Aunt S!
Misplaced Texan: Thanks for your comment girl! Urgh, being hit on while shopping is probably the worst thing ever… it makes you want to leave the place to get away from the guy when you’re not even done looking around yet!!! You handled it really well.. that’s what I would have wanted to do in my case!!! Grrr!!
Hélène: I think the situation was the same in most countries in “OLD” days. A woman alone, having a good time and enjoying herself with friends in a bar wasn’t well seen back then…especially if the she was married! Good thing times have changed, don’t you think??? he-he..… and yeah… he tried to “pick me up” (love that expression!), but instead he ended up picking up someone with a strange name and a fake number! Yes! :D
Sara: GREAT contingency plan! In my case it wouldn’t have worked in this situation as I’d already told the guy I’d been living here for a while now (although I did tell him I didn’t have my phone on me when he proposed to call me on my “fake” number so I would have his number –close call!!). Next time, I’ll use your idea.. I’ll just go heavy on the Spanglish accent in French *lol
And yeah! Definitely you girls should set up a weekly “Pisco night” in Santiago!! You’ll have a blast, you’ll see (and that way I can crash it when we go to Chile next year!!!) :D
Leilani: My so called “admirer” was definitely not old, I’ll tell you that (actually, judging from his attitude I’d say he was about… three years old). I do agree that when you work in a macho sector (Finance being a good example depending on which sector you work in) you surely come upon a Neanderthal or two at some point… but it’s gotten a whole lot better or so I’ve heard. Thankfully!!!!
Misschris: I hadn’t thought about it, but you’re right. The flirting ritual in Mexico/US is so much more obvious than here (I have to admit that I too fell for the French “suave and discreet” method when I met Hubby)… *LOL*
Fned.
This is what I don't understand about some guys. "I'm married/have a boyfriend." That only gives them a moment's pause until they realize said boyfriend/husband is NOT with you at that exact second even if he is just in the bathroom 15 feet away and he's like "score! I've got a chance" and hits you up for your number. Creepiness!
Let's remember it's not just guys who do this, I know of too many women who actively pursue married men like it's a sport! They see a ring on the man's finger and the game is on, makes me ill really. They get all the good stuff and none of the crap, kisses and roses and no dirty laundry.
(Hmmm, suddenly sounds ok, JUST KIDDING!)
(haha agree with everyone else, no worries... re: japanese inventions, you'd pick a time machine over an instant transporter?)
jajaja
pero levanta el ego,
a que si?
Natasha and Cancun Canuck: You're right ladies, although I have to admit I can't help feeling sorry to some extent for these men and women that act this way. How desperate you have to be to hit on someone who's obviously already "taken"?? And how low self-esteem you have to have to be ok with the other person not being 100% yours?
Lydia: Ooh-ooh!! Instant Transporter!! I'd use it to glob trot during the weekends! Good one!!!
Karla: Eso pues ni que. Sobre todo cuando el tipo esta guapetón (lo cual para mi gran pena no era el caso del fulano de la otra noche :*() jejeje
Fned.
Fned:
Cuando leo tu comment, LOL...porque es examtamente lo que escribimos en Espana "jejeje" - como mi post "You know you've lived in Spain when you type jejeje instead of hehehe"
besos
:-)
yes we could ,but great work is nasesery to....
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