Today is the first day of the rest of my life

This is usually the mantra I repeat to myself over and over again in front of the mirror on Monday mornings while Hubby looks over my shoulder and rolls his eyes.

After all, who can blame him? Every Monday for the past few months or so have been the first day of the rest of my life. And usually the rest of my life lasts until Wednesday when I fall back to that self destructive routine that has become my life lately.

Not self destructive in the harming my body or my health sort of way that is usually associated with the word "self destructive", but self destructing in the I'm-destroying-all-the-progress-on-my-own-self-that-I'd-made-in-2009 sort of way.

I know people say patterns are hard to break and sure as hell I am a creature of habit, but even I recognize that I have to get my life back on track, and fast. It's even on my To Do List of things to do before moving to London:

Point 1 - Get Life Back on Track.
Point 2 - Apply for visa.

So what is it I need to get back on track in my life? Well, for one thing, I need to find that balance again. I need to find that need to feel that I have control over my body and my actions. That I am capable of not succumbing to my own cravings, my own laziness, my own impulsiveness, my own selfishness. That I am capable of making the rational right decisions that affect my self and those around me.

For some reason, a few months ago I woke up one morning and said to myself "you know what? feck it, life has been pretty damn unfair to me lately and I deserve a break. I'm going to let myself go. Relax, think of me, ME, first and foremost. And I'm not even going to bother of thinking of ME in a loving, caring way, I'm just going to give ME every one of MY most rotten, spoiled, unreasonable wants and damn be the rest." And that's exactly what I've been doing ever since.

Little did I care to examine if the "unfairness" claim was really valid (I'm still working on that one) or to think how this would affect that one single most important person in my life who had to share a roof with the selfish creature I became. No, it was all about ME.

So what did I do with this new found ME liberty? Basically, I gave up. I watched lame TV reality shows, I stopped training, I stopped being careful with what I ate, I stopped reading, I even stopped giving 100% at work and lord knows I pretty much left Hubby on his own when it came to running our little household. How that heck does he put up with me, btw? I sincerely don't know. My assumption is that my kind of selfishness translates into me wanting to be left alone most of the times to be able to vegg in peace, which basically means no nagging or bothering him, and he in return has the grace to not nag or bother me with trifle things like who's going to wash the dishes or shop for groceries. He just does it.

So every Monday morning I wake up feeling that today is the first day of the rest of my life. A life that is back on track and that corresponds to the 30 year old I am and not the 15 year old I've been acting like lately.

But see, this is were it gets a wee bit depressing. The moment I realize that I am 30, that I no longer should, no longer can, act like a 15 year old because it's both hazardous for my well-being and quite simply immature for my age, the moment all of this sinks in, I feel like all I want to do is curl into a little ball and push back the deadline, continue to live in that carefree, self-centered way, turning my back on the fact that those days are now over, behind me, forever. Usually, it's around Wednesday when the full realization of this hits me and I tell myself I'll get to it next Monday.

And so the cycle begins again.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life.

Fned.