Last night Hubby and I were dining with friends when the subject of the in-laws came up. One of our friends was saying what a hard time she's been having lately dealing with her Mother-in-Law (MIL). Our friend, DIL (Daughter-in-law), and her hubby got married last summer and are expecting their first child in a few months. It seems that lately her MIL has taken to being particularly mean or harsh towards DIL despite the fact that she and Hubby/Son have been together for over 10 years now and will soon be bringing a little grandchild into this world.
The conversation went on for a while about the different situations that have been coming up lately that are slowly but surely tarnishing the relationship between the two women (the fact that DIL seems to prefer taking advice from her own mother rather than from MIL, the fact that the wedding didn't go exactly as MIL had wanted, etc). Suddenly another girl at our table said: "it seems that all girls are destined to have a difficult relationship with their MIL. I have yet to hear of a wife that is on good terms with her MIL". At this point Hubby and I turned to look at each other and I could see we were both thinking the same thing.
I actually do have a good relationship with my MIL, as well as with my FIL. I know that in the beginning it was a bit of a shock for them to digest the fact that their (only) son had chosen a girl with such an obviously different background on every level (language, culture, religion, etc) as their own, but they have always shown me nothing but kindness and attention. I'm not saying all has been rosy, I know there have been times when they didn't approve of my or our decisions as a couple and of course there have also been times when I didn't agree with their point of view on certain subjects, but our relationship has always been a respectful, peaceful and downright friendly one. I believe over the years we have each learned from each other a great deal about tolerance and open mindness when it comes to family members. And for that I am eternally grateful.
But last night's conversation did get me thinking. The fact is that I have heard more horror MIL/DIL stories than fairytales and most involve expat couples (but I take this to be because most of our friends are expats). What I find interesting though is that although there is a very evident variable in the equation (an entire foreign culture no less!) that logically could lead to an unlimited amount of conflicts, the most common problems in the MIL/DIL stories I've heard are often the same and don't have anything to do with a country a nationality or different culture!!
The most common problem I hear about is Jealousy. It doesn't take a scientist to see that this is because there are two women that love the same man in a very different way but with practically the same intensity (meaning with all their heart) and each one has a hard time accepting the fact that the man in question must share his heart between herself and another woman. Some might argue that this shouldn't be the case, that the moment a son chooses to establsih a family of his own, his mother must be able to step back and cut the apron strings. It's the Circle of Life. Others might argue that a mother should always remain an important, even central, part of the family because anything else would be nothing short of ungratefulness. It's the Circle of Life. Either way, when you got partisans for each of these sides involved in the same case, there is bound to be a clash at some point.
The second common problem that comes up rather often is Adaptation. Up to a certain moment a Mother/Son relationship is filled with rituals, traditions, ways of doing things, little things in every day life that nobody pays much attention to but that constitute the bases of their relationship. But suddenly a New Person enters the picture and slowly there begins to be new traditions between the Son and New Person, new rituals, new ways of doing things that set the ground of their budding relationship and constitute the basis of their future family. The problems arise when these new sets of rituals overlap on the pre-existing Mother/Son ones, as is unfortunately often the case. Who is to step back? Who is to relinquish some of their cherished traditions in the name of Peace? If neither side is ready to adapt or compromise, there is bound to be a clash at some point.
Another recurrent thing I hear about is a Love/Attention Overload. Normally, this would be a positive thing because, really, how can anyone feel overloaded with Love? But funny enough, this is very often a tension spot between MIL and DIL. The MIL is suddenly, out of the blue, left with a great amount of Maternal Love and no one to bestow it upon (at least not the one person she most wants to bestow it upon: her Son). So here begins a long list of "line tresspassing" events as I've often heard this situation refered to. Unlimited calling, extravagant gifts, surprise visits, overflow of cooking/ironing/laundering proposals, etc.... The problem is that to a young DIL with no children of her own, this situation is often interpered as MIL not approving of DIL's way of taking care of her son. And when DIL refuses or disaproves of such attentions, MIL takes it as DIL refusing her to care for her own Son, something that I'm sure breaks the heart of any Mother.
These are only a few of the common problems I recognize in the MIL/DIL conflict stories I hear about. However there is always an underlying factor that I believe is quite important in the Resolution (or not) of these conflicts and that is the part that is played by the Son himself!
I asked our friend last night how does the Son react to the growing tension between herself and MIL and she replied that he doesn't take sides and stays out of it for the most part. She herself feels that perhaps it's better for him not to interfere at all because he could easily get caught in the middle and that would certainly make matters worse.
I can't decide if I agree on this or not. I think the part a Son plays in the resolution or not of these conflics is crucial. Stepping back and pretending nothing is the matter doesn't seem to help anyone get any closer to resolving the issue, since the issue revolves around him! But at the same time, what kind of part should he play? I'm not sure either.
I've witnessed examples of both cases: friends where the Son sided with his parents either out of respect for them or fear of hurting their feelings and which led to unfortunate breakups. I've witnessed friends cutting ties with their families (both the Son and the Daughter) because their parents didn't approve of the relationship or because the couple simply couldn't stand the everlasting conflicts between MIL/DIL (or FIL/SIL for that matter).
In all these cases, no one seemed to be happy with the ultimate outcome so severing the ties either way can't be the solution either, right?
In the end, I'm not sure there is a right answer or even a solution to a situation like this. All I can use as a prooven case is my own experience which so far has taught me this: Humans are adaptable. If a couple is strong enough to work as a partnership on all other matters in life, then adding a little patience, a pinch of honesty and a dash of open-mindess into the mix should take care of the rest. No matter what, the keyword for me is: partnership.
What do you think?
Fned.
7 comments:
I also have a fairly good relationship with the bf's mom, though I do wonder how it will evolve now that we're living together (me and the boy, not me and the mom, lol). I think a lot depends on if the MIL has her own life, if that makes sense. Two younger siblings and a personal life of her own, so enough going on that she doesn't worry too much about us.
I am totally the type to feel like she doesn't think I'm good enough when she does/says something contrary to how I do it, so I'm learning to control this reaction, since it's not me specifically that is doing something "wrong" but just everyone else is general. Recognizing parents as people with their own stuff going on is key, and I've been at this stage with mine for a long time, so that helps. I think seeing in-laws as people first is important, since if you put them in the "parents" role, mentally I think it would be disappointing if they don't live up to your expectations of parents. And then you have to accept your relationship could be very different than your significant other's with their parents, and that's okay, and normal. I respect the MIIL very much as an older person with lots of experience and advice, but I am not her child and we treat each other very differently than she and the bf do, and that can be hard for everyone to accept. People think being treated "fairly" is being treated "the same" and its not always.
I think it also depends a lot on your relationship with your own mom. If it's close, then you might be hesitant to "betray" your own mom by getting close to another, or you could really try to be friends because it's normal for you. And if you're not so close to your mom, you could either get totally close because you never had that, or resist her since all "moms" are difficult for you to handle. But once you recognize the issues, it's up to you to figure out how to deal with them. Parents are usually too old to change their habits, so I feel that it's really up to the kids to be accepting, as unfair as this is, it's easier for us to adapt.
I'm not trying to take responsibility for poor relationships away from the MIL, but I think it's all in how you look at her, and even having the title "mother" in-law puts her in this position of very strong authority that might not be appropriate for you personally. So thinking differently, even if the situation doesn't change, could help you deal with it better.
Okay, not quite as organized as you were, and I agree with most of what you said, though thankfully the adaptation one is really the only issue I have to deal with (for the moment!).
Good luck on the before-30 list! You could always make it "before 2010" or 2015 or something, I just picked the age because they did in the show, and I do whatever the TV tells me, lol.
When are you having children?
I, like you, have a good relationship with my in-laws. I have a lot of friends who don't, whether because melding families is always difficult or because doing it cross-culturally is particularly hard, so I feel pretty lucky! Sure, they have their flaws just like anyone, but we're all grown ups who can agree to disagree.
I also feel lucky that Rodolfo and I are pretty much on the same page about most things, which helps us present a more united front. His parents will sometimes disagree with a decision one of us makes, but what's important is that the two of us agree - they're entitled to their opinion, but we're the ones who live together and have a life together, not them!
I used to have a great relationship with my in laws, as we lived so far away... everything changed when my son was born. My father-in-law is a very sweet man, he is the best! My mother-in-law on the other hand, has her particular views on how you should raise a child.. and she makes sure she does what she wants whenever she gets to spend time with my son. (ei: I ask her to apply sunscreen if they are going out to the blazzing georgian summer sun.. she says you dont need it.. the result, my kid was sunburned) Same with food, nothing compares to her food and my poor kid will starve on what I feed him.. I used to get really annoyed and took it personal (could it be other way??) but after a while I decided to ignore her and just be very firm on what I do believe it is important, the rest well, she can pretend she is in charge, I am my son's mom, not her!! The good thing, is my husband thinks the way I do and knows how difficult his mom is... ack sorry Fned, I guess I ended up fussing about her instead of actually getting to the point. With the in-laws I guess the best is to live close enough to visit every now and then, but far enough to remain friends!
been having technical difficulties with computer, but just want to take the opportunity to say that our philosophy was always to live a bit removed from both sets of parents... that way, when you visit, it's wonderful, but the everyday reality stays between you and your partner. As Ale says, close enough to visit but far away enough to keep it friendly!
But that was when I was a daughter-in-law only... now, being a MIL, I still feel the same way, but I also feel that times have changed and I wouldn't really WANT to get too involved in my kids' lives - as far as meddle or whatever... I realize of course that if they are around me alot, things I say could be construed as intrusive, but hopefully it will never get to that point with anyone...
Andromeda: I absolutely agree with you... I often find myself behaving like a spoiled kid because my PIL aren't reacting to something the way I asume "they should"... and then I have to take a step back and tell myself "relax Fned".. it really isn't that big of a deal... it's up to us, the "kids" to find the right balance... The only thing I would add to your comment is that we also must find the limit of when to say "no".. it's important, not only for the couple, but also for the PIL to understand where family ends and where the couple begins... plus, I think it's great practice for when we'll be on the other side (meaning we'll be the PIL!)...
Anon: Please refer to http://fnedsblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/million-dollars-for-not-answering-this.html
Emily: AMEN!
Ale: That's something that I do dread: the "grandkids" issue. It's one thing to draw a line (or not) between you and your PIL, but what happens when there's grandkids involved? As in everything, I guess it depends on the case.. but I do often wonder if the relationship between PIL and DIL/SIL does change drastically regardless of what kind of relationship existed beforehand. :s
Minshap: I guess this is why Hubby has never had any "issues" with his MIL!! ;)heheheh ... I sometimes do wish we lived at least in the same time zone! Love ya mom...
Fned.
You have it spot on. Am doing alot of thinking about this topic myself as have found myself with PIL that are slightly overinvolved in my husband's life (phoning him for over 30min every evening - coming to stay for 4 weeks + at a time at least 5 times a year). They still treat my husband at 40 as if he were their little boy, taking over the household as if it were their home.
I think the problems that arise between PIL and DIL have alot to do with whether your husband is an only son, how much of a life PIL have and how much your husband acts as an enabler (in our case, my husband does not want to hurt PIL feelings so doesn't tell them how it bothers me even though he now acknowledges that their relationship and behavior is strange).
If I take the case of my own mother, she can be VERY over bearing. The difference is that she has four children to split her attention between and a job. PIL are much older than my mother are retired and have less to occupy their time.
Funnily enough, my husband complained at the beginning of our relationship that I spent alot of time talking to my family. With divorced parents, 3 siblings and grand parents for me to call, he still spends more than twice as much time on the phone to JUST his parents.
We are from different cultures and I was - grudgingly - willing to put it down to cultural differences until I visited his country and realised that it had nothing to do with culture! They do have a very strange relationship.
I have alot more problems with FIL than MIL strangely! FIL is openly sulking at the moment as we will be spending Christmas with my family this year rather than them for once. MIL accepted and understood this, though is annoyed they won't be able to come over for the holidays.
I do sometimes feel like I'm sharing our marriage with his parents and after only 2 years of marriage am already finding the situation claustrophobic.
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