I used to be a bad ass... long ago it seems

A pretty strange thing happened to me yesterday..... twice.

The first time was during the afternoon. Hubby and I are smooching while taking an electronic staircase as we're leaving a mall and two guys behind us suddenly start making noises and telling us to quit and to get a room.

I guess I should back up a little first and explain that this particular mall happens to be in what in France is commonly referred to as the "banlieu". The banlieu is the outer suburbs that surrounds a city and some parts of the Parisian banlieu have gotten a bad rap over the years due to the rising violence and drug related delinquency that can be found in some of the project neighborhoods that are located in certain areas of the banlieu. So on a Saturday afternoon, it's not unusual to see a lot of gang-wannabe's hanging out at the malls acting all cool and full of themselves showing off to the girls near them. You can usually spot them out because for some reason they seem to think that by dressing and walking like 50-cent (the rapper) you'll suddenly mistake their french for american-ghetto talk and think they're all badasses like in the american rap videos they salivate over and over on the French MTV channels (someone needs to tell them that aint happening, but whatever).

Anyway, there we are, smooching on the escalator (I promise, it was all G-rated) and these two dudes behind us start getting all Eminem on us with their "Yo hommie! get a room dahg!" or however you could possibly translate that. Hubby and I both turn around and stare at them for a second and then I shrug and turn back to Hubby and resume whatever it was we were talking about before the smooching (and the hooching) began, ignoring their teasing off-beat remarks. Hubby on the other hand stiffens besides me and doesn't say a word. When we reach the bottom of the escalator we go our way and the Eminem groupies go theirs. As soon as they're out of earshot Hubby lets out a frustrated "This is exactly why I hate the banlieu!". And although he is way too mature and reasonable to ever get into a fight with these guys I know that that type of behavior seriously pisses him off.

The strange thing is that it doesn't bother me in the least.



Fast forward to a few hours later that same night. Again, we're in the banlieu (this time in a whole different neighborhood) visiting some friends. When it's time to head back home, Hubby and I catch the last RER (outter city limits subway) around midnight back to Paris. A few stations after we get on, a whole pack of balieusards hop on our wagon and suddenly they're yelling and laughing and partying and drinking out of their spiked coke bottles and giggling as they take hidden slugs at their joints and rapping out and showing off to the pretty girls in their group .... they don't bother anyone on the train, but they make their presence extremely obvious to everyone in the wagon.

Again, I feel Hubby next to me get all alert and stiff.


And again, I don't feel in the least bit annoyed or scared or bothered.


But this time I ask myself why is this? And that's when I remember.



I used to be them. I used to act like them. It was called "hechando desmadre" (or "hechando relajo" if you want the sans-cursing term). It was showing how you were young and careless and a rebel and a badass and cool as a cucumber. You picked out your attire carefully every morning that would send out the message that you didn't care what you wore (I guess jeans hanging below the butt and unlaced sneakers have replaced the baggie pants and hockey jerseys that seem to get the job done back in my day). You laughed loudly and spontaneously to show what a good time you were having and those who were lucky enough to be in your presence. You talked about the cool party you just left or were heading to, you made certain everyone see you take a huge gulp of whatever the drink of the evening was, you used curse words profusely.... you told funny or intelligent jokes (at least they seemed so to you) to your group but making sure to tell them loud enough for the entire wagon to benefit from your obviously awesome wit, because all of this made you cool. It made people look at you and when you're 18 and in the company of your clique you need the attention. Otherwise you might as well sit down on one of the benches and blend in with all the other boring old people taking the train... and where would that leave you vis-à-vis your friends?

I can't explain what went through our heads back then or how in the world we deluded ourselves into thinking that that sort of behavior made us cool. It just did. We never harassed anyone in a mean or aggressive way, it was never about that, but it did seem okay at the time to attract the attention of the "old folks", the people that we knew would judge us and condescend us and look at us with disgust and apathy.... people like a boring middle aged couple of dorks smooching on an electronic staircase who would probably look at us precisely in that way if we started making fun of them behind their backs......and this gave us all the more reason to do it, it made it all the more cooler to do it.

I'm not saying I approve of this, although I will admit that as I was thinking of those days a lot of great memories creeped up in my mind and made me nostalgic of those good times. Because they were good times. They were carefree and fun and exciting times and I enjoyed every single minute of them. But as I saw Hubby's jaw firmly set and his hands clenched in fists while he stoically sat through the whole show these kids were putting on, I realized not everyone experienced those Hechando Desmadre times in their young adult life and is thus able to see and understand them through the eyes of a former "desmadroso" like I can.

I also realized, not without a pang in my heart, that it's not always just talk and no do like it used to be in the groups I moved in. People have been attacked or assaulted on the subway or in these malls. Kids can (and sadly sometimes will) do more than just show off and bring about tragic events thinking it's all in the name of being cool. I am aware that this is not something to be taken lightly.

But yesterday, I couldn't help thinking that it was simply a question of this being payback, more than anything else.


Fned.